The Stoner Chronicles: 12/01/2004

In case you were wondering...

from paul's family:

1. An *awesome* Lennon book
2. An *awesome* coupon book (buy one get one KFC!)
3. Fast Food Nation, a book I borrowed but returned before I read but now I have it to read on the plane.
4. Plane tickets to San Fran to see the BRUCIO!
5. A big box of Ferraro Rocher...which me and birdman got as a joint gift, and which the dogs proceeded to eat while we were watching the Ali G. Show. And which also made us wake up in a pile of Mr. Squeekers vomit the following morning.
6. A bunk ass 15 year old umbrella
7. Mississippi and Alabama coffee mugs (from birdman's cheap rich gay uncles)
The quote of Christmas eve: "I got this from family dollar"-paul's uncle
8. Some baking pans and a festive dish made by slaves in Thailand.
My second favorite quote of Christmas Eve: "did you know the girl that made that dish makes 400 dollars a year?"-paul's aunt

I would like to state that I did receive three separate multicolored glassware sets from both sides of my family. My cousin bought me multicolored tumblers, my mom bought me multicolored wine glasses and paul's little whore sister (sorry paul) got us multicolored coke glasses. Certainly a popular item this year, I am assuming. Did anyone else get multicolored glassware?

This is the first Christmas in about 4 years where I did not receive a smoking device. I am saddened but there is still hope that Balsano will pull through with a pipe.

My Family:

1. A Karaoke machine, given to me by birdman, complete with an old school rap CD that features Funky Comedina, Baby Got Back and Whoomp, there it is. For the past few days, I have not been able to get the first line of the last song I mentioned out of my head. It even plays while i'm sleeping. This rings true for everyone in the house, and we have become accustomed to screaming "Party People..dun dun!"to the four dogs on our love seat (Apollo, my stepdog, comes to visit for the holidays). And for the record, perhaps the funniest thing I've seen all year is Birdman attempting to break it down with Rapper's Delight all raucous at 2am on our futon. I will admit I always wanted to try out for the drill team in highschool.
2. I'm sorry that present description was so long, it won't happen again.
3. XM radio from Angelator (ANGELATOR HAS UPDATED HER BLOG, GO CHECK OUT ANGELATOR'S BLOG!)
4. SPONGE CANDY
5. Money, money, money, money...mon-nay. My family likes to have us pick out our own presents.
6. Ali G. Season One. For anyone that is a fan of the show, they have the complete version of "SPYZ"on the extras cd entitled "Unseen Shit", which I highly recommend checking out...high.
7. Car Wash Gift Certificates, TGIF Gift Certificates, Denny's Gift Certificates, Applebee's Gift Certificates...

I would like to also state, for the record, that I DID NOT receive the only thing I actually asked for, as usual. So if any of my readers would like to get together and pitch in a couple of dollars a piece, I would really enjoy seeing a big bundle in the mail next week with the SNL edition of Trivial Pursuit wrapped up with a red bow. Email me, and we can do a paypal thing.

I just had some Splenda in my tea, because I am suffering from a sinus problem, and now I have to go shit for a bit.

Happy Kwanzaa everybody!

Day Two

This is the second day in a row out of the week that I have refrained from smoking up. To tell you the truth, I don't feel much different. My worst fear as a stoner, and maybe some of my other stoner readers can back me up on this one, is that I will wake up one day from a smokeless night, and feel as totally empty as if I had smoked several blunts. And I think empty is the wrong word, but whenever I roll a blunt I cease functioning for a time. I wish that I had an audio blogger account, because I have a wonderful argument that I taped with my little pocket recorder of me and birdman after a rough and tumble encounter where I nearly walked home from Wegmans in the middle of winter because he wouldn't let me hold the shopping cart, all due to our dear friend Mr. Dutch Master.

It should be illegal for men to hold the shopping cart, or at least for birdman to. He constantly leaves it in the dead middle of the aisle, and all the other women with their carts look at me like "Why did you let him hold the cart? She must be a terribly weak woman." Besides, I have a purse, and most of the time a scarf, hat, and gloves, as well as his gloves that he will lose if I don't hold on to them too. And he'll leave my purse all alone in the middle of the aisle in what looks like an abandoned cart, and then I have to freak the fuck out and cry for a couple minutes for him to get the point that it "is very important to me". Seriously, what If a bum steals my purse? What am I going to do? Ask the bum for my purse back? Ask him to give me my ten dollar purse back, with a couple old napkins and a half eaten peppermint patty all melted in the bottom of it? I was raised to be very protective of my purse.

It had been a full 24 hours, and I have yet to cry today. This is an accomplishment beyond words, in my case. When I go in and out of smoking for prolonged moments in the year, it really fucks with my emotions. It's like having your period all year long.

I have purchased three tickets to go and see the Brucio in San Francisco. Now all we have to do is figure out how to get there. If anything, i'll be out 75 bucks, but it's better than being able to swing a long car trip or something last minute, and getting all the way to California to find the show had been sold out. I can just picture us on Jan. 14th at 7:30pm in New Mexico looking at the map all jaded and stoned and out of luck. We should have bought one of those navigator things for the new car instead of those really nice speakers. At least we'll be jamming all the way to nowhere.

Speaking of Brucio, this is not my first time I have travelled across the country to see him. Which makes me think of all those pictures I took with the Kids in the Hall. Which sparks a small draft in my head where brain cells used to exist, that carries a little wind to the receptors that are still left, that are telling me to try and post those pictures online before I forget again. I set up a photo album thingy a couple of days ago online, and we bought a really nice digital camera in NYC, so I am going to attempt to take pictures of the pictures and get them up before Christmas. I forgot to post this blog a couple of days ago, so technically it's been 4 days since I stopped smoking, but I have a feeling that we'll be trying out the karaoke machine I got for Christmas tonight, and you know that kind of shit isn't nearly as amusing sober.

Happy Holidays stoners!

I feel compelled to copy and paste today:

I'm supposed to bolden everything that applies to me: (cover your eyes, stoners)

I have, either currently or in the past, gone over a year without sex(I wish I could add little pictures of me responding to these)
I have a partially used tube of KY Jelly close to my bed.
I sometimes buy clothes specifically to turn people on.
I sleep with my socks on. (I HAVE TO!)
I have gotten someone drunk on purpose.(BIRDMAN)
I set aside some time each day to surf porn online.
There are nude pictures of me somewhere on the Internet.
My family would FREAK if they read this list. (I wonder if kristin surfs satan's web...)
I can orgasm on command.
I have had sex standing up.(seriously, though)
I have leather in my closet and I'm not afraid to wear it.
Given the opportunity, I would have sex with a porn star. (Only if she wore a rubber)
I know someone who needs a copy of "Sex for Dummies."
There is at least one extended family member I would jump if we weren't related.
I think hose are sexy.
I think limited nudity should be allowed on television after 10:00 at night.
I like ribbed condoms.
I am pierced somewhere other than my ears or navel.
I have had sex in the shower.
My parents caught me having sex. (Maybe I should continue now with the story of my mom walking in on me and Birdman jigging it)
My child(ren) caught me masturbating.
Watching other people have sex turns me on.
I own more than ten porn tapes/DVDs.
I have used a vegetable as a sex toy. (I can explain...)
I enjoy reading erotic literature. (does sappho count?)
I can get wet/hard just by the sound of someone's voice. (only brucio's)
I have used a sex swing.
I have employed the services of a professional sex worker. (Like Malibu, or?)
I have a membership on at least one adult pay site.
I would give up another habit if it meant having more sex.
I would consider hiring someone to teach me about the finer points of sex.
Given the opportunity, I would appear in an adult magazine.
I think reality TV should show who's having sex with whom. (i dont believe i'm alone)
I get wet/hard just walking into a Victoria's Secret store.
I keep a "Top 5" list of famous people I would like to fuck. (brucio, brucio, brucio,Colin Firth, brucio)
I have participated in an orgy.
My current sex life is beyond boring.(it's my fault)
I am actively looking for a new sex partner.
I do NOT think having sex always means making a long-term commitment.
I have at least one sex toy made of glass. (wish list, anyone, anyone?)
I think anti-pornography laws are too restrictive. (i'm a feminist)
People would be surprised if they knew how often I think about sex. (no one i know would be suprised)
I think 16 is a good age to begin having sex.(maybe if you're paul's little whore sister)
I have special names for my sex organs.
I have used sex to get what I want.
I think the world would be a better place if people had sex more often.
I think some public nudity should be legal.
I have at least one sex toy that is purple. (at least)
I think a blogger orgy would be ... Interesting. (get a fucking life)
Just reading this list makes me horny. (just for kicks)

Where I stood to take this picture is the exact spot where Mark David Chapman was when he shot down my hero, John Lennon, outside the Dakota Apt. Building on W. 72 St. and Central Park West. It was late at night, and I was saddened when I realized I would not be able to visit the Strawberry Fields portion of Central Park. I took four pictures of the Dakota, and all of them came out fuzzy like this one, but I think it looks kind of cool.
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Me and Birdman freezing our asses off atop the Double Decker Greyline Bus. I bought a hat and scarf from a little asian street vendor for five bucks, and wrapped it around my head like I was in a nuclear storm. Birdman, Angelator and I were very disturbed by the cold weather, atypical behavior for normal Buffalonians.
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Another View atop the double decker Greyline bus
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Birdman, downing the rest of my soup after I became fixated on my Spider Roll
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Angelator looking quite provacative in Soho
posted from the stoner photo gallery

A crazy ass picture of me enjoying my first cup of miso soup at our first NYC sushi experience
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Angelator, staring out towards Lady Liberty, wondering why the fuck we only brought a little bit of smoke...
posted from the stoner photo gallery

Times Square, from the top of our super-touristy double decker bus...
posted from the stoner photo gallery

THE STONERS DO NY!
posted from the stoner photo gallery

you wouldn't believe it if I told you, but this mannequin is my best friend...
posted from the stoner photo gallery

don't do this guy...I should put this shit on hotornot...
posted from the stoner photo gallery

I would like to thank Ryonce, for being the only stoner to serenade me on my birthday...thank you Ryonce!
posted from the stoner photo gallery

24 years ago today

You were killed exact 24 years ago to the minute I am posting this. Thank you, I'm sorry you missed rap and the internet. You would not have stood for all of this election bullshit. You made an awesome father to 1/2 of your kids, and that ain't bad.