The Stoner Chronicles

April 30, 2004

My dog is supposed be trained to ring a bell when he needs to go outside, but they must have meant he was going to shit all over the carpets all the time, and i just misinterpreted.

oh did I tell you Birdman works concrete now and i'm getting chinchilla? One of those is untrue...

so, those pictures didn't work! but, who the fuck are these people, and why are they hugging bruce mcculloch?

I wish i was hugging bruce mcculloch. No seriously, i'm engaged (without a ring, which for some reason my grandmother believes it is not real until we take out a mortgage for it), and i'm still in love with brucio. I would leave my soulmate for him and we'd live on an island and he could beat me up every morning and fall back asleep on the sand and i'd still make his ass dinner and let him do me in my mouth, the crush is just that serious. What the fuck is wrong with me? And, really, no offense (you're out of the kids in the hall stage when you stop spelling things the wrong way) to Bruce, but I can't understand why I would be attracted to a total stranger who is at least 20 years my senior and might very well drink as much as my asshole father.

Speaking of my father, I started shit with my half brother a couple of months ago, and we never talked and then we started talking again, and now the mystery is over and the awkwardness as usual sticks around until it gets boring. So he goes to berkeley, and I don't think i can even spell it, and he might even work there, i don't know, but he loves art and music, and I've bought two guitars that I trip on every once in a while while i'm looking for something else I bought, which, at the time, I had high hopes of succeeding with.

Ryan and I are going to start writing tomorrow, and he got his license, so now we don't have to take the bus to return bottles for drugs anymore. Baby steps, stoners, baby steps. Oh, and i'm starting to slip down again, because I haven't washed my pants in like, seven days. And I lost my deodorant about a week ago, and then I bought another one, and I keep leaving it at July's house, so i've been wearing Right Guard man gel and my pits itch a lot, and I have a cold sore.

I can not, nor will I ever know how to play frisbee. Disk golf, on the other hand, I have a great respect for, the way Canadians do about hockey. It's like I'm a pioneer of the sport, even thought it's been out in Cali since before I was born. People in Buffalo think they we're the first one's to hear about a guy landing on the moon, it's depressing hear, and everyone wants to believe so many things are true, that eventually they give up and realize that if everyone thinks it's true than it it. But we won't get into the upcoming election.

I should probably go before Birdman beefcake's my ass.

I'm wearing a multicolor cape right now and i just ducked into a secret hole in my laboratory, the way the rocky horror fans say it...

April 25, 2004

My sister Angelator, who I introduced to blogging, has been doing so more than myself recently.

So to catch everyone up, no, I still do not have a job. Starbucks still sucks. Everyone who goes to starbucks sucks too. Everyone who works at the green straw plant sucks too. I hate Starbucks. Fuck Starbucks.

In other news, I'm contemplating the need for birth control in the pill form. When I wasn't taking them, I was horny all the time like a 14 year old boy. Now i'm "in the clear" and i'd rather fuck myself. Ain't that somethin else? I pay (what's 40 times 12?) a lot of money to be a total psycho asshole freak nearly everyday. They do something bad to me. Hormones are bad.

A black woman yelled at me and birdman because we took her parking spot. I didn't yell back. I have a crush on Larry David, and it's kind of scary and weird, and I don't know why I just shared that with everyone, but it was very curb your enthusiam, or Wanda Sykes, or something to that nature.

Can you tell this was a smoking day? I don't know if I should even post this, it's that uninformative.

Me and Ryonce drove around in his mom's boyfriend's Taurus all day today, and then we celebrated 4/25 and let me tell you Hancock is the queen of "Trouble". That bitch is harsh, and when she pops two continuous 6's, plastic thimbles are gonna go back home. (note: fucking coward pig George W. who refused to wave at the 'free speech zone' should be aware that I am not talking in terrorist code, you can check my library records...no really, he can)

When I was feeling all anti-patriot act at the protest (and i never thought i would ever say 'at the protest', as birdman is aware of how I feel about the worthlessness of people with signs) I signed up to go into an inner city part of Erie, PA to help the less fourtunate have a voice by providing a service to how many tags can i put on this sentence, we're gonna go make poor people vote. In retrospect, I hope I don't get shot.

If i'm going to get shot for a cause, it will be when I bust into the ben and jerry's factory, after machine gunning down the glass Scarface style to _enter most popular rap song here_, jumping tits to the wind into the half baked ice cream maker naked.

I think i'm getting a cold, it's going to be a rough night. I'm going to go get a popsicle, and then when i'm finished and i've washed my hands, i'm going to masturbate.

Goodnight.