if i don't write this film, i am going to die

if i don't write this film, i am going to die

if i don't write this film, i am going to die

I don't even know if i should be talking to anyone about this, but it's such an obviously horrific situation i've gotten myself into lately.

I haven't been to work for weeks, I sit around and throw up and watch MTV, I don't want to fuck, I don't want to eat, and they're taking my health insurance away because i was approximately 2.35 hours under the requirement. I don't know how I got 8 grand in debt, i can't remember the last time I bought a new bra, I haven't read the newspaper since, and I am admitting this, the seventh fucking grade, I want to know where the fuck all of my money went, I sat down for two hours yesterday trying to remember how and when and where I lost my virgininty, to no avail.

I've been sick, quite sick, I have lost complete touch with reality, and I throw up about 5 times a day. My dog barely remembers who I am unless I have a jerky treat, or a greenie, it's dog crack, I barely knew it existed until I got two dogs.

Have I ever even talked about my dogs? Well, i have two of them, combined they are under 15 pounds, and they're probably snacking on a pair of my panties as I blog from birdman's house, because I can't even handle staying at home for more than 15 minutes out of the day. Dogs really can't eat chocolate, apparently they actually do die, and they can't have onions either, and i'm sure other shit that's fallen on the ground or has been on the ground because we can't afford a vaccuum. And of course I had to get the sickest dog in the world, and he eats screws and shit, and i have to take him to the vet every ten days because he's allergic to smoke and dust and apparently me, because i've been taking him to the doctor more than i've been taking me.

Is it wrong that i've never been tested for any STD's? Is it wrong that i'm seriously afraid of knowing whether or not I have some terrible disease?

It's so fucking easy to stop smoking, but it's so fucking hard to get away from it. I feel like i'm in that american gladiators game, where the gladiator is on the platform, and you have to shoot the bullseye over their head, and you have to jump from pod to pod, and not get hit by enemy gladiator orange balls.

It's almost as annoying as getting stuck being the only person left listening to a boring group conversation, and you can't not look at the person talking because everyone else has jumped their attention to family guy.

Everywhere I end up, everyone else is smoking, the stoners are always fucking smoking. I know if I go to Wench's house, i'm going to smoke, this is my cousin and my sister's house, this is family, this is not something you can just give up, this is like that boring motherfucker that's droning on about their part time job, like they're the only person with a part time job, when all you want to do is watch the Gazelle infomercial.

I started writing the movie in July, in fact, to be specific, I started writing this movie about 4 years ago, in my head, little clips and camera angles, fucking sounds corny doesn't it? fucking sucks not to be a genius, i'm sorry you don't get it if you don't...it's inescapable, it's tapping you on the shoulder, it's stealing your toilet paper, it's just not fucking funny anymore. My comedy is making my life unfunny, so I have to ask one question...

If you can only make yourself laugh, does it still make you a comedian?

i've lost my touch, i don't know if I've ever had one, but i've lost something, and my wallet and my keys are still in my purse, i put them in there this evening.

i don't know what else to say, i hope i write this movie, because i'm going to die