Yesterday Superbowl (who needs no introduction), Big Coco(on one of her first big stoner outings), the New and Improved Flippin Wench(I wish I knew how to make the "trademark" sign on my keyboard), Hancock (with her Chanel earrings and sunglasses and Louis Vuitton purse)Bobcat (who despises the OCB like some Christians tie gay people to the back of their pick up trucks)Angelator (with her now token anti-bush pin), Birdman (still not fresh from working a ten hour day in the mud)and myself (who couldn't be more excited if it was my own celebration) piled into three cars en route to quite possibly the greatest place on earth: OLD COUNTRY BUFFET

Perhaps it's named something else, depending on where you live. Apparently there's a buffet in Syracuse that serves THANKSGIVING TURKEY ALL FUCKING DAY. But, in our (now somewhat dwindling) stoner world, the abbreviation OCB could melt 7/8 of our hearts at sheer mention.

See, only four kinds of people go to buffets, the idea of having vats of half consummated looking variations of bread pudding under glass where you serve yourself for astoundingly low prices comparable to Denny's (another famed stoner hang out spot) could only be appealing to probably roughly about 13 million people in the world. In my experience as a stoner buffet connoisseur, I have located and recognized these groups in public with the following list:

1. Black people arriving after a long day of prayer
2. Really poor white people and their children with dirty t-shirts
3. Stoners
4. OLD PEOPLE

Old people love the fucking buffet more than stoners do, mostly because I think they get a discount, and they lived through the depression. The correlation between unlimited corn and old people is just too high for there not to be a huge geriatric turnout.

Church going black people know a fucking deal when they see one, fucking period.

I'll admit I was once a really poor white kid, and we would go to Homestyle (the precursor in Buffalo to OCB) just about everyday, I even had my communion party there (and I had my communion pictures taken at K-Mart because it was closer to the buffet than Olan Mills). At the time I think they charged .50 cents per year, and depending on the age of the kid, a lower income family could eat together, and as much as they wanted (I know I always add that in there, and it's pretty obvious, but still, I mean, come on, as much as you want for one price? Holy barb!) for under $20.

I encourage any stoner who hasn't been to the buffet to make at least one trip before they die. Usually, there's always a back parking lot to smoke before you go in, I would never recommend driving stoned unless you're a pro, and even then, you're not a pro, and you should really just smoke in the parking lot. Besides, if you smoke at home, you could hit the paranoid part of the stone, and you might end up like I did once, clutching your purse, your phone, your jacket and anything else that your stoner ass might think someone is going to steal from you when you're in that mood. Also, don't go if you're not stoned, unless you fit into the other three categories, it might be a little cree-pay, and you ruin the experience for all the old/black/stoned/poor white people. "Why are they here? They're going to steal my purse!"

Bring some CHRONIC, the more fucked up you are, the better the experience. SMOKE YOURSELF RETARDED. When you walk to the register, and peer over at the seemingly endless line of mashed potatoes and fried chicken, don't die right there, there's also as much COFFEE, POP, AND DESSERT as you can stuff in your pants.

Sit in a booth, if you can fit your friends in there, I tend to feel more comfortable when I'm high in an enclosed area, and the lighting is just right.

Try to sit next to black people. They understand! In my experience as a stoner, I have had only ONE black person look at me funny when I was stoned, and that's because I was beating up a gay mannequin in a crack house (I'm not kidding, ask Wench).

Sensible Joe and I used to go to the OSP just about every chance we got, which I think, might have led to my demise into obeseocrity. But the MSG isn't good for you, and neither are the calories, and as some as the old people at the buffet might tell you, too much of a good thing might ruin it, in the end. Try to keep your buffet experiences at a minimum, we went to commemorate the 23rd year of the Superbowl, who is now....23. What?

We finished up the evening at Superbowl's house, with her mom, dad, dog, and an ice cream cake that no one could eat. I should have bought that bitch some citronella candles because MY ASS IS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW, and I think instead of sending a thank you card she might want to pick me up some after bite.

Actually, I forgot to buy her a birthday present...