it just came to me a couple of days ago, but...

i don't have any friends...

other than my family, and the two guys i call family...i have no one to hang out with anymore...

i was checking up on some online journals, even finding some new ones that i didn't know about, and it just fucking hit me...

no one really likes me...i guess i'm too sensitive, too picky, maybe i'm not brushing my teeth enough...

I've tried to fit in, but really, what's the fun in that?...i even bought a fly jacket and new sneakers and a new "messenger bag" and a cell phone, and i still can't physically say hello back to the girl who sits in front of me in my health class...

i thought it was because i was ugly...i thought that if i made myself happy with things i could control, then perhaps the wings would pop out, and i could jet-end out of this bullshit...

i'm 19 years old, and i can't conform to common morals...

Someone has to help me...although believe me this isn't a cry for help...

I can't stop crying...everything will be fine, i'll sit down with my cocoa pebbles and whatever pointless book i'm supposed to be reading for whatever class i'm supposed to be going to...and i'll flip on the history channel...and it happens...i can't stop it...i lose control of every body part, i've never been accustomed to crying so hard...

i've stopped writing completely, unless it's necessary...and comedy used to be necessary for me...there's the occasional poem that i *have* to write to keep myself from cutting my wrists with the pages of my english book, while i'm sitting in bio class, completely unaware of what's going on in and around me...

i just don't feel like doing anything anymore...i'm skipping my history class for the THIRD day in a row...i probably won't make it to english today, the only detail that makes my day is going to work, because i know I can't cry there...and even then, i'll take my ten minute breaks in the bathroom, and just...sob uncontrollably...i'm doing it right now...in a computer cubicle at school...

i've been smoking a lot lately to control my depression...that's probably not a good thing...i never smoked to escape things...

i smoked because everything was funnier that way...


right now, i'm so out of it, i don't really remember what it's like to have a good time...or make a good joke, or even swallow without the sting and the headache you get from very slowly losing your mind...

i think that...if i don't get some sort of green light...it might not be worth it anymore...

and the weirdest part is...there's something about saying it that made me stop...those little "time outs" from it, i don't know if they make it better or worse...

a couple kids i knew from high school went car surfing on sunday...they weren't stupid boys, they were just...boys...and, best friends at that...there was a bump in the road, and the kid flew off the top of the car, and the other kid ran over him...

he's not physically dead yet...

this is the second time in the past six months where someone from highschool has died/nearly died...

i guess this is what life is...