I'm done with college for the year

i'm going to repeat that mantra until i'm forced to walk the jesus hallways once again...but for now....i'm done with my first year of college.

and i want to write something for a few folks who stalk people at Blockbuster...

This year has gone faster than bern used to come, and i’m too relieved for words at this point...next weekend i'll be in motherfucking Seattle, Washington, and when I come back, it will be the same old Buffalo summer that I left before I started school...the gang that roamed far from home, will be sitting on their favorite elmwood corners, and the sidewalk across the street will be filled with the same shit from the same dogs...year after year...i must be getting older...because i like it that way...

i went to the Galleria for the first time in months, helping my sister look for a birthday present. Lately, i’ve been seeing people for who they really are, not family members...i know they’re all whacked, but REAL average people...i think i’m becoming compassionate...and i must be getting old...because i like that too...

instead of just some fat guy pushing a baby carriage, i see a family, the way he first looked at his son, in some hospital in nowhere land...the day he fell in love and and made love and made the baby that’s in the stroller that just walked by...

i’m gonna start taking everything for granted, so that in a few years...i’ll have a poingant moment next to an abercrombie and fitch...and i’ll see the real colors come off the canvas...

writers block is getting me bad, i hope seattle and seeing kith one(or two) last times will help me sort shit out, not only for myself, but for everyone that i know and love...

i think it’s the diet...that and my father...i can try so hard not to let on that it’s crushing my existence...

we weren’t the pristine daddy and bethie that the networks pump into the veins of american stupidity...i always had a love for him, but i will never know what it’s like t o have a normal childhood...

when i see dad, i don’t think my father, i think of everyone else’s...my uncle ed, my grandfather, ophelia’s dad, freakin mark mckinney...

what’s wrong with me? absolutely nothing...

i might have jumped the gun for a good cause last week, by calling him my “ex” boyfriend...i’m done leaving messages and wasting anymore energy on this boy...

he’ll never grow up, and it’s certainly not my job to play mommy...i’m already losing a parent...i don’t need to lose the dad that’s been raising me, up somewhere in that big fucking head of mine for someone who has nothing better to say then “i forgot”

it’s my turn to forget..it’s my turn now

lynn’s right...i don’t deserve the heart ache...

signing off...5 lbs lighter than last time...